why is everyone hurting so much this year

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
things were finally good again
i was going out be carefree and forgetting about you
now you are coming back?! NOW?!
you fucking leave me for your career cause you cant fucking have one here
then a year later you come back and you think its okay
you think it doesnt hurt like crazy that you expect me to just deal with your mood swings
you except me to just deal with teh fact that a year ago you couldnt be here even with me, but a year later when i have my shit sorted you are happy to come back
way to stick the knife in a twist it

feeling forgotten here
yes ive hibernated for a while
but it doesnt mean you cant talk to me
i havent felt like i can go out.
like anyone really wants me there
and now finding out someone i thought cared completely overlooked me in the most major way.
i cant deal with that
my head and heart are fighting to see which can explode first
being overlooked by my friends makes me wonder if i can make this happen if even the people i thought cared overlook me straight away

last night as i went to bed i thought about writing a post about everything i am thankful for. everything that has made me who i am

a minute ago i got a phone call saying my uncle has had a stroke. i never see this uncle

now all i can think about is how everyone in my family seems to be hurting lately.
it feels like everyone is breaking around me.
its killing me

im goign to smile everyday. its easier for everyone this way. no one knows how much im being ripped apart and its easier. you dont have to pretend to understand. you dont have to pretend to care. i dont have to cry in front of you. crying is an at home activity. i learnt long ago not to cry in public. crying in front of people is never a good thing. it only leads to more hurt in the long run. being broken is nothing new. i miss you. i wish i had the balls to tell you how much i wish you'd just come back and do what you are doing there here. you could save here. you could write here. here with me. i miss you. its not just me. he misses you too. my world feels like its missing a key.

and so the tears fall but its dark and im alone and no one would see.