the birds and the bees got it so wrong

im so fucking scared.
how do you tells someone you here, when your as scared and lost as them?
how do i deal wiht sitting here knowing someone you love isnt okay.
i dont know if i have the strength to be the go to person anymore
its a role i used to know well
i prentend the wetness on my cheek is anything but tears
i pass the goosebumps off as the cold when they are really the fear and pain and hurt
the stomache pain is back. teh one i used tog et when i didnt want to be at school becasue of my best friends
i can get past this



i hope

words to cover the temptation
if i mark the skin with ink, i wont be tempted to mark it with blood.
i know its ironic that one of my deepest fears is blood
but i need to stop myself drawing my own
how fucked up am i when my own fears are buried behind the need to really feel
"the only way to mke it with hearts and wrists in tact is to realise 2 out of 3 aitn bad"
p.wentz knows his shit
i dont care if hes a fuck up and an ass
hes my fucking idol, because he screams "im not okay" in every line
but he doesnt let it stop him
he lives his life
he does hide who he is
and for that hes my fucked up hero

where are you real world when i need you?
i feel so useless for the very thought, but 3 years isnt much in a few years time. but till then its completely wrong.
fuck you world.

it scares me that she gets hurt by him, it scares me that i cant do anything to stop it. it worries me that he might hurt other people.
i hate that im so close to her physically, but cant protect her form the world

im scared about the future
im scared about how unsure i suddenly am
im scared that im fighting with myself so much lately.

im the girl thats reaches from the stars but only ctaches clouds
im the girl that dreams of her name in lights but instead sits stuck at traffic lights
im the girl whos intentions get blurred when she says something that she interprets so differently to the rest of the world

im the girl that never gives up on her dreams, but gives up on her life.

i havent cried all year.
i couldnt cry all year
now one well aimed sentance has the tears flowing with no sign of stopping anytime soon

i feel worthless
i feel like i dont deserve the pain i feel
i feel like im just a sook who has nothing to cry about

i dont have an ounce of strength left.
i cant keep going like this

i dont belong in this world of fantasies and dreams
i belong in a place where i cant hurt or annoy anyone
somewhere no-one will ever have to put up with me, or humor me'
hell even the people who say they wan me around seem to despise me
in my mind im everyones worst enemy

everyday i question
why the fuck am i this way
why cant i have a simple life?
why cant i be the fairy tale?
is there even a price charming out there for me?
or a beautiful princess?
is there anyone who can save me fromt he mess of me

today has not been a good day
its not hte sore muscles or the creepy guy behaviour
its hte lack of privacy, and not wanting to exist that got me
who knew the wizard of oz, instead of making me reminicant like i thought it would, made me want to disappear forever.
i thought my mother was going to read my notebook today.
no one reads my notebook.
parents dont get that i hate them hovering, i hate them talking about pointless bullshit every 2 minutes
i hate my mum dissing my friends
i hate my mum talking about shit she doesnt know
i hate my dad deciding im devestated about something i could care less about
i hate that they dont freaking get it at all

you could see right through this disguise if you bothered to look
every time you turn i think you've seen me slip up,
even though i do it constantly
you never notice
you think this is the way its suppossed to go

thnks fr the mmrs vn thgh thy wrnt s grt

you are seeing through the act
but are blind to what you see
you think its another bad day
another simple sad day
you cant bear to see that im crumbling worse then ever
you cant bear to see that behing the perfect exterior im breaking down
you dont noticwe you make things worse
you dont realise i cant always be your crutch
every stutter gives away my falling defenses,
yet you still accecpt im tired or im ok

i see less point in this every day.
i cant see a future, there is none for me

< title >

i think im bipolar
actually, ive thought that since i learnt what it was
it was weird this week having someone agree.

i cant see myself in my thirties.
i can only ever see a future for me in my twenties

i can see that im going to do something i'll regret soon
its like a train crash.
you can see it coming but you cant do a single thing to stop it

fuck
i dont even knwo how i try any more
i do have the motivation to do this
i dotn have the heart to give up
ims tuck here in limbo pretending i have dreams that can see me through
pretending i have people im telling the real deal too
i dont want to worry anyone, so i dont say everything i mean
no even reads this so i feel safe here
im breaking under a weight you cant bear to see

i write eulogies in mt mind
the words so sweet so sincere so wrong.

fuck this shit.
i cant deal with your emotional baggage as well as mine
your too wrapped up in your shallow ideas to notice the cried for help

HELP ME!

i am worthless
i am useless
i am talentless
i am ugly
i am fat
i do not deserve anythign i have
i drag others down to my hell
you're better off without me
i am a loser

when i said i've been self depreciating lately, you have no idea to what extent
i feel like the only reason im still going is because i couldnt put themthrough losing me, after everything they've been through.

cheerfullness is not my forte, nor is anything else
my whole existance is pointless. why the fuck do i even try anymore!?

fuck this world. is there space on mars for a broken girl and her best friend?

advice.
apparently im a good person to go to for advice.
this scares the fuck out of me.
i feel like im setting everyone i care about up for disaster.
what if my advice leads to something bad?
what if they get hurt?
what if they take my words to heart?
im so scared im going to fuck up someones life because they asked me for help.
im flattered people trust my judgement, im just not sure they should
if im so wise about these things why is my life so fucked up?
why should my point of veiw influence your life?
talking in cliches is my specialty.
who i turn to when i need advice?
the people whoe take it from me in piles?
the people who two seconds into discussion about me are happy to have the topic changed back to them?

6 months ago, i built up to the first concert by my favoutie band. i was stuck half way back in the room, but it wtill was an amazing experience. friday i see them again, and this time i'll be dammed if im not as close as humanly possible.

its crazy that this bad, can stir so many emotions in me. when i see them live its llike a dream come true. when i hear their songs ont eh radio, tv or even in shops, i feel like a proud parent whose child has just won an award.

i cant even desirbe what listening to their music makes em feel. its like a million emotions without descriptions or names and antoher million i can name. they give me chills

the crazy part is, no matter how insane pete wentz actions get, i cant hate him, when hes a part of amking this music.

i love that im one of the kids who could tell you everything you never wanted to know about four boys from chicargo while i live on the other side of the world.

i love those boy, their music and their spirit

i post here because i know no-one cares

how do i explain this. it seems so stupid some times and valid a moment later.
there are very very few people who i trust to actually be there and care.
there are very few people i say im friends with who i barely know or want to
just because you cant see the scars doesnt mean they arent there
if i lied to you, you wouldnt know or care
if i told the truth you'd think it was a joke or over dramaticised
maybe oneday you'll get it, maybe oneday it will stop mattering to me

boys will be boys baby

washing dishes can be surprisingly calming
boys are a pain in the ass though.
ingnoring me's worse then sayig no, and bitchy looks from unknown sluts dont improove me mood
also whats with the ex asking about my place of work?!
tughjvbnhmgdyjtghbng
shitty day.
hopefully some good company can help where cup cakes and chocolate failed

tree tops and coffee pots

i love nothing more then sitting at my keyboard and typing away idlely. it allows me to clear my mind and escape a little bit. the words just come without any real thought but whats left on the page is heart and soul pure and true. but when i set out to write something and put my very being on the line, the words seem to forced the sentances dont flow.

“im amazed that im talking to you, like the songs you grew up with come true”

relief is a funny emotion, when it appears if often doesnt last. it turns to something else rather quickly

fuct makes my heart swell and reminds me of the magic music brings

the shower sloves everything
it washes out the hurt
the water mixes with the tears
numbing pain and hiding fear

never trust internet quizes
they just might tell you what you knew but couldnt admit

theres always the people you miss more then others, always the ones you wish were always around
i wish i didnt have to miss you.

sometimes when i listen to a song i get distracted and miss half of what i wanted to hear
sometimes its the same with you.
i cant be bothered listening to the crap to hear the one piece of useful information

oh the things we take for granted
the people we thought would always be
int hte places we thought would always exist

i hate the way somethings change.
i hate the new playground to replace the old "unsafe" one
i hate that the old playground had memories the new one cant rekindle.

stress relief is a dish best served bitter

the lies of perfectionists are ment to inspire.
the lies of a lover confuse and deny
the words of a poet form the heart of a sait
the sins not as strong and the lies that they paint

now for some letter to people who will never read this:

1. sometimes im just not in the mood for your shit. you need to grow up. your not a kid anymore, this is serious. we're all out on our own soon, some of us will sinck some will swim. call me a moody bithc if you want but at least i know the reality that awaits me. i know the chances of me actually achieving my dreams, and im ok with that. but you, you've been handed everything on a silver platter. all the "work" you do at school comes down to nothing when you dont have enough common sense and maturity to get the job done

2. what the fuck. you are the oldest out of all of us yet you are running around liek a 15 year old who just realised guys dont have cooties. you need to grow up and stop trying to fuck everything that walks. you arent "hot" you arent "sexy" your just fucking creppy, and i say that as a friend who knows you.

3. when did things change? when did we stop thinking the same and start having to comproise to fit each others ideas? why did this happen? i just dont get it.

4. i dont get why you have to be so god-dam mean. i never did anything to you. hell ive been nice to you all the time. so what do you have against me? you need to grow up and get over what ever pitty thing you have against me. im passed being treated like dirt because have an issue your too immature to talk to me about.

5. you need to stop hiding behind your excuse. you say you want to talk about it, but if anyone but her offers you ignore us. your going to be left with nothing when her mood changes again and shes in love with someone different. your not hot shit either. not everyone wants to know you, especially not now. your going to be very lonely very soon.

6. the rest of you. how freaking blind are you? when someones sitting alone in a corner clearly not smiling or participating in conversation its generally a good indicator they are in a bad mood. dont start freaking insulting me or hitting me because you think its funny, if im off on my own i clearly dont want to deal with your shit. im not in a happy mood

so theres a boy.
theres always a boy
this one wasnt there last night
i only went because i thought he'd be there
when did i become so attached?


i miss people a lot.
if i care baout you i become attached.
when your gone, im lost
i need constant signs that your still there if i need you
i need to remind myself that they are stilll around and are ok

daddies little girl
through good and bad and grey

questions form the answers of everything

how do i let you know i am more then meets the eye with out letting you in, letting you under my skin?
why do i try and tlak whent he words will never form?
since when did feeling normal equal feeling down?
since when did feeling down feel so right?
do you even care?
do you even want to know what love is?
do you want it too?

midnight in another timezone

you have more faces then a watch factory
you've got less guts the a mouse

lost the words i ment to write missing the wprds i want to say

dont talk about things you do not know
dont try and twist this truth

we're different people, we're not the same, somethings different, people change

apply the label that says fragile

sometimes im full of more words then even i thought possible.
sometimes throwing them out into the abyss of livejournal isnt enough
sometimes youve got to start a fresh whether or not people are reading.
this is my new house. i still live at LJ but i call here home too