it hurts.
im crying at least once a day.
i miss you so much. your everywhere i look
your in everything i do.
i miss your arms
i miss your lips
i miss how safe and comfortable adn happy i feel with you
i hate that i have to get used to this

i miss you.

i cant do this
every smile is a lie
i cant cope this way
im supposed to be ahving the tiem of my life
im supposed to be going out hanging out with my friends
planning a trip away i now cant even think about without feeling guilty.
i didnt ask for this
i cant cope with this
and being ignored isnt helping

i wont be sleeping well tonight
i miss you before your even gone
"one way"
two words that reminded me how much i hate this world
how much its going to hurt to say goodbye
how much im going to miss your arms your lips your touch

did i really just look up airfares?
am i really thinking about going half way around the worl because the thought of him being so far away is more depressing and heart breaking than i thought possible?
am i starting to agree with my mum?
can i really feel this much after 5 months?

i wished on 11.11 tonight
not for me.
for my friends
because i can handle breaking down
because i can handle hurt
but i dont want them to have to
i dont want to ever see them that hurt
they deserve so much more then these stupid boys are giving them
they deserve anything but the hurt they get
they deserve the world.
they deserve what i have
screw me
give them the world
tonight i pray for them
"im okay"
"i dont believe you"

i just realised how much i rely on my belief in god subconsciously.

tonight you hurt me more than i thought you could
more than i want to admit to
more than i will ever let you know

wow way to not even listen
way to ignore the 3 or 4 times ive said "im sick so i dont know if i will be up to it"
way to push things that arent your place
way to be so fucking paranoid your forgetting who you are and who he has always been
then bitching and whining because he is him
because he doesnt do what the perfect guy would
because hes not perfect
because none of us are
not even you

everything is good right now.
but ive got this nagging in the back of my mind
if funny when we started this you said "you dont have to be scared, im not going to hurt you"
except i wasnt scared of that (well i was but thats a underlying fear i pretend does not exist)
my biggest worry
visas
august is only a few months away. and it sounds stupid to be thinking about this when we are still new. but god dam if it isnt a scary thought that you might have to leave. that you might not be able to get a visa to come back. i know realistically you probably can come without an issue, but theres that possibility that scares me more then anything. the thought of coming together and becoming an us and then losing you to legalities

so last night i had a great night.
i laughed with friends (new and old)
theb theres him
he was so shy about putting his arm around me. it was cute
then later we were sitting there and it hit me i dont really know how to stictly be the girl in the relationship. i didnt know what to do with myself. so i let him direct me

theres a huge downside though. time is limited from the start. i mean he goes home in 6-12 months D:

i wanted distraction.
its all i wanted.
why the hell did my distraction have to be a nice guy?
oh thats right
because i seem to fuck everything up anyway.

sing a little louder
plant a tiny seed
nurture it with stories
pick out all the weeds

slowly it will grow
with everything it needs
water sun and bugs
then laugh and make it bleed

to read:

for uni:
wuthering heights - emily bronte
elephant - raymond carver
the mill on the floss - george eliot
madame bovary - gustav flaubert
a dolls house - herik ibsen (well re read)
saturday - ian mcewan

for me:
wicked - gregory maguire (about 1/3 of the way through)
son of a witch - gregory maguire
perks of being a wall flower (when i can find a copy that has all the pages)
the lovely bones
a clockwork orange
the catcher in the rye (i am determined to get through it god dammit!)
the other 4 or 5 books in my room i cant even think of

survivor -
choke -
lullabye -
snuff -
all by palanuik (or however you spell his freaking name)

i hate the way my mind works.
i need you to go to not feel guilty.
i cant go have a good time when i know you're not there too
when i know its just another reason for you to be down
hell id rather give you my ticket then let that happen
then theres the selfish reason
i need you there to know that i can do this
i need to find the line
i need to learn to deal with this.
i feel horrible for thinking this. but its all i can think and feel

i cant get out of my head
i can stop thinking about what could have been
where i could have been
then my mind jumps to what is wrong with me
to the big indicators that i really need to see someone
then my mind jumps back to what ifs and maybes
then to anger and hurt at family at friends at you
then i get angry at me.
after all its all down to me
its going to be a long night

everything seems to be changing around me
i feel like im the only one staying the same when i want to change and make things better
i feel like i dont even know anyone anymore.

i just realised

for a while it was two of us in relationship two not
now its the exact reverse of who is where
lol

im waiting for normal back
im so lost at the moment
i dont know what to say or how to act
my world is upside down
but i have no right to be this sad when so many people have lost everything
when so many have lost their lives and loved ones

i want to make a change in the world
i want to make it all better
i wish i could do anything
i feel so helpless here with just this keyboard and words.

i can feel it in gut and in my heart
it hurts
but i have to do this
every little bit will help
every moment i will get stronger
i have to

i woke up with new resolve.
its hard but my mind is clear.
my thoughts are finally in order

i wish i could say what i mean
but the tears keep getting in the way

im really scared this time
whenever ive been this low there was an obvious reason
mum was sick
i was confused about everything in my life
now i just cant seem to smile
everything feels like a chore
everything is making me angry or sad.
im over analysing everyword everyone speaks.
im overanalysing everyword noone speaks.
im crying myself to sleep
im getting stomache pains like i did when i was 10 and being bullied
im worrying other people
i am scared of what i might do

its da je vu
its all happening again
skipped over for invites
left out of the jokes
im cold and loney and scared
i cant do this alone these days
when i was a kid all i needed was my imagination and it would be okay
now i cant even escape
now my thoughts are too caught up in the wrong ideas
need to talk to someone but i feel like im inturrupting everyone elses lives
i feel like my problems are just dragging you down
i dont even know how to start talking

a romantic plastic piece of shit

i have always loved the water
theres something about it that just gets me
i love feeling weightless
i love letting the tide the current the stillness move my body
i love that something so peaceful can be so dangerous too
i love that if i let my gaurd down it could take me.
the water and i get each other.
it comes and goes as it pleases and i do the same
it encompasses me but lets me breathe
it keeps me warm and freezes me all at once.
it will always belong in my heart
and now i admit i really missed it

sitting behind the wheel today i was shaking
i was on the verge of tears
i was scared
i dont like being places i dont know.
i dont like not being in control
today i was lost and didnt have a clue what to do about it.
so i kept driving and hoping it would be okay
you know when you have a very emotional moment and then you feel so drained afterwards? im like that now
being so scared and confused has drained me
yet the tears still are waiting to escape.
you know things are bad when you long for a train

im an after thought
im not uninvited. im not invited to begin with
im left out on the jokes
im pushed aside
im on the verge of tears are no one is around
i hate that the people i would turn to first are so far away
the people i am closest to here arent always here.
they miss the nigths its too dark to sleep
they miss the days where i just need someone to talk bullshit wiht
they skip the details where i cry i scream i run
they catch the me that smiles at nothing
that tells them they look hot
that reassures their lives they are going well
sometimes i feel so alone in this town

i had to let go.
i couldnt have you in my life anymore
but its you're birthday friday
the first time in around 5 years i wont see you on that day
it feels so weird to me
then i remember how it felt on my birthday
how the last 2 years i didnt get so much as a text
how christmas was irralavent too
how you just stopped caring and how it hurt to put so much faith in so little
so friday im going to distract myself
im going to surround myself with people that matter
with people that care
cause i cant let myself feel bad for forgetting you this year

i want to dance on the side of insanity
i want to balance my life with leaves
i want to spin in the gardens of love and regret
i want to tie my tongue in knots
i want to laugh at the littlest bugs
i want the words to even begin to make sense
i want the thoughts to flow not twist and turn
i wan the voice to be clear and sensical.
i just want a hug

i've needed to write this for so long.

I was the most confident kid starting school that day. I had been around the school since before it had opened. I went to kinder with a bunch of the kids in my class. I loved the idea of learning. I was so happy and excited. The year progressed. I never had a best friend, or even a group of friends I would hang around with everyday. I would hang around with whoever wanted to hang around with me. Sometimes I would go up to random older kids playing games and ask to join in, a habit that continued later on.

Grade one came. I can honestly say this was the best year of primary school for me. I had a group of close friends I hung around with everyday. I remember making up silly games and running and laughing and playing with bugs and generally being kids. The only downside came when the year ended and I was separated from them all. The ones my age were in a different class, the ones a year older were in a whole different area

Grade two was a good year too. The grade ones in the class loved me. I had 3 close friends in my grade. It was the year a teacher started to notice I was smart and gave me harder work. It was the year someone started to notice I had issues with basic spelling. In hindsight it was the calm before the storm

Grade three came. I had my 3 close friends. Then the teacher asked me to look after the new girl, a year older, but who had similar interests. After a couple weeks she decided she liked my friends but no me. An attitude the rest of the girls her age also took on. They gave me hell. I wasn’t cool enough to play with them. I wasn’t allowed to join their clubs or trade dolls with them. I didn’t realise at the time but my relationship with my 3 best friends was deteriorating too. They were taking advantage of my trust by lying to me, and choosing to ignore me. The only good thing that happened this year was the arrival of one of the few teachers who really believed in me.

Grade four was just bad. Once again the new girl came and I was asked to look after her. Once again she decided she didn’t like me. My two “best friends” decided they didn’t really like me either. They would cut me out. Tell me they needed to have a private chat and tell me to go find something else to do for the 40 minute launch time. I resorted to entertaining our “buddy” class. A group of prep students. It got to a stage the teachers had to separate us in the classroom. One day after a particularly emotional fight we were all kept after school. After our teacher (the one who arrived the year previous) told us all that our behaviour was unacceptable kept me back longer and told me he was worried about me because I was clearly being victimised. I wouldn’t hear it. They were my best friends. We just had a fight. The fights happened almost daily by the end of the year. I would get so worried about lunch time I would make myself feel sick so I could either stay home to begin with, or get sent home. For a kid who still loved school and learning it was unfathomable to my parents that I suddenly wanted to stay home more than anything. The peak was the day the vice principal called the four of us to her office and said “you’re all acting like little.... witches.... I think we all know what the other word is” then took us to meet her daughter who was finishing her last few days of primary school fighting with her best friends. That day we all walked back to our classroom in tears and vowed not to fight again. We didn’t. I barely saw them the last couple days of school.

The next year my mum requested I be in a separate grade to my old friends. I needed a clean start. The problem was our school had a policy of keeping groups of people together. I was put into a room of established friendships. I was an outcast. I had no real friends that year. The people I was closest with weren’t in my class and periodically seemed to leave the school over the course of the year.

Grade six came and I was determined to have friends. I was determined to have someone to miss when I left the school. I thought about it and knew the class clowns always had friends. So I started acting silly. I started getting hyperactive and doing dumb things to make people laugh. It didn’t win me friends. It only annoyed people. I didn’t realise this. Then there were the other girls my age who decided it was their turn to take advantage of my trust and tell me about things they were interested in. Treating me like nothing a lot of the time, and exposing me to things I shouldn’t have seen at age 12 (“hey! Let’s go on chat rooms and get people to have cybersex with us!”)

High school came. I was forced to make new friends. I clicked with one person. And thank god it was the one person I am still friends with now. I was in a school full of strangers. In a year of 200 students 6 came from my school. I was desperate to be cool enough for everyone to like me, but too naive and set in habits of acting stupidly to ever fit right. It took a couple years but I found a group. I had friends I hung out with often. It was strange to me. After a couple years I realised that these people weren’t my closest friends. They talked about me not only behind my back, but while I was there too, but hey they were my friends. Then I met this group of kids who didn’t fit anywhere so they fit together. I fit with them. Those kids are some of my best friends. We were united by the fact other didn’t get us, thought we were weird or treated us like shit.

From grade one to the end of year 11 I also danced. From grade 2 on, with one group of girls. The year I was in grade 5 they decided they all hated me too. They treated me like dirt. From then on I wasn’t good enough. I went through a very awkward stage. Teachers started picking on me. I was shoved in a corner. The others picked up on it and shoved me in a corner socially. A huge blow came when the girls I had always danced with got moved up to the most senior group, while I was left down with girls 2 years younger. That only added fuel to the fire. Then the days that stand out most to me. Teachers yelling in a whisper from side stage at me “SUCK IT IN!!” The polite conversation where “you’re not fat but you need to suck it in”. Then the hugest, in the middle of rehearsal in front of the whole local theatre company, while being the only dancer who could it into their costume “EITHER SUCK IT IN OR GO ON A DIET”. The teachers I admired and trusted had a fat complex and I was fat (I wasn’t. I've never been above a size 12, and at that stage I was a size 10, I’ve just never been a pin either). I got left in the corner of every performance. No matter how hard I worked I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t until my very last year when a new teacher came and put me in the front the others started to notice that I’d worked my butt off and wasn’t the awkward 12 year old anymore. The girls started to realise I wasn’t the socially awkward kid anymore. People wanted to know me. I got invited to parties. But I still knew no-one there really believed in me.

Now? Now I have emotional baggage to last a lifetime. I'm scared making friends. I’m socially awkward. I live in fear that people I consider friends really don’t like me, but they don’t want to hurt me by telling me to my face. I spend so many nights curled up analysing everything everyone says picking out all the things that hint that that hate me. I worry that I’m going to be left alone again.

and so it begins

here
will be the homeof my 365.
i will start it today.
i will goddammit

I admire people who live in tiny country towns. The kinds of places you drive through and feel like you've gone back in time. Where everyone shops at the same place. Everyone knows you and cares. Where it doesn't matter what you wear or what music you like or what you're into, you are friends with whoevers you age. I wish I could live in one of those towns. I'm too drilled into my city live to be able to survive that. I need everything within a short drive. I need to have a million choices for where I'm going to shop. I need to be able to pick friends I have interests in common with. I need to be close enough to make spontaneous decisions.