why me?

what did i do to deserve being treated like this?
over and over again
best friends means you get what you deserve
best friends till we're old and wrinkly
you prematurely aged us
it hurts more then you will understand because you've never been screwed over like this cause you're always the one to do the screwing.
you've re opened the cracks in my head and heart that were starting to heal

every day
fake smiles
"have a nice day"
more fake smiles
"no thats fine"
more fake smiles
"sorry, not your fault at all"
more fake smiles
"sure i'll work extra and agree to get paid the cheapest rate"
more fake smiles
"do you want a bag?"
more fake smiles
"any cash out?"
more fake smiles

this place is draining my soul.
every fake smile kills a little more
i barely know how to smile for real now.
im sick of taking all the blame
im adapted to being treated like shit
rudeness and abuse is how i am always treated
im not allowed to think for myself.
retail is killing me
but i cant get out
i have no hope of escape for another four years

im worried about my parents
my mum has told me shes considering leaving my dad
mydad doesnt realise because hes so self absorbed he hasnt noticed hes treating us all like shit
he hasnt noticed that ive grown up and have a life
he hasnt noticed that mum is getting more and more upset with him
my mother actually asked me if my dad was having an affair
im stuck right in the middle.
i thought my parents were one of those couples who actually made it.
im so scared right now.
i dont think i could deal with living wiht one of them
i dont think they could deal with living on their own
i wish i could go away and escape them for just a little while
i wish my brother was home so i wasnt alone in this

i thought things were going well.
there was one mark i was worried about, but i was going to make it up with the next one.
i felt good about it. i let the guides help me, but last semester i was told the better ones didnt necessarily stick to the guide questions. now thats wrong?! the exact same assesment, and a completely different direction come marking time.
fuck. i dont fail things. now im shit scared. i dont know if im going to pass this subject, and definately not with any dignity.
the worst part is the dissapointment im going to bring my mum
i tried mum.
i really fucking tried
it all just became too much this semester.
i couldnt deal
i collapsed around myself

looking for a dream in the flowers in the breeze
looking for tomorrow in an hours silent fears
looking for a shadow in the nights darkened room
looking for the words to tell you what this really means.

breathing for a second
breathing in the chest
breathing in t he smoky air
breathing in that scent

running form a shadow
running for the past
running towards and empty grave
running for your hope

dancing in the sunlight
dancing on the moon
dancing like a simple fools
dancing like we're dead.


i have no idea what this is. it just came out like this

i did it
i finally conquered this stupid test
i did it on my own
i am now indipendant
do you think you can stop treating me like im fucking 10 now!?
seriously. i dont need you looking over my shoulder pointing out speed bumps ahead
i can see for myself
i can do things on my own
i dont need you reaching over and grabbing the steering wheel of my car
i cant function if your hands are in the way
i cant be left out of my own life cause you don think im ready for it

no mum im not okay
im not "grumpy"
im fucking unhappy and dont need you making things worse by having a go
im sitting here giving up on my dreams to fulfill yours
you;ve made your dream force its way into my life
i can barely see what i want any more
you wouldnt know this though
i cant really talk to you, even if you think i can
if i try to tell you anything
you belittle it
you claim its a "phase" or tell me to "get over it"
mum you have no idea
this hurts more then anything else
then telling me i shouldnt be down ever.
saying depression like its a dirty word
thanks mum, really supportive you are

i hate myself for this
i feel like a fool for even considering spending that much on a band.
but i cant help it
i NEED this
ive been building towards it so long.
but i dont know. i dont know if i can face the prospect of not standing on that barrier hearing you sing
i dont know if i can face the idea of knowing i could have seen you up close and known this was real

this was my thing
you wouldnt even know about it if it wasnt for me
im the drama geek who was going to go with her friends
not cause it was random
not to do the fucked up bastardised version you did
this was the type of thing me and my friends do.
this was not your place
least not without me
then broadcasting it everywhere i am
wow i thought you had more heart then that
once again its prooved that no one gives a fucking shit about me
no one stops to think about me
no one even cares that i exist
fuck you for prooving my fears