issue number 2

okay so my uni has the queer club, and the queer collective. the queer collective in geelong is run by two friends of mine. now i just got a facebook invite to join their new cross campus queer group. the thing is. i know who i am. and i am okay with that. but i dont parade my sexuality around. there are a lot of people in my life and who were in my life who have no idea of that side to me, purely because its irrelavent to my relationship with them. i feel like a asshole denying the request. but i am no where near comfortable accecpting it either. fuck i hate this.

best friends means you pull tha trigger

okay so toady was ment to be a brilliant day yeh. everything was going right for once

then standing at work, im met by the "biffle"'s dad. now her dad is an awesome guy. but he said "so are you two going to fall out boy?" "i might get paige to ring you, im sure she'll want to go"

i dont want her to go. i dont want her in my life anymore. it fucking hurts but it will only hurt worse if i dont cut her out. i dont want her rining me begging to buy her ticket. i dont need her hanging around with me and my friends because she doesnt leave her got dam house long enouhg to make any friends. oh and add in that i feel like i cant be myself around her anymore because shes a judgemental elitist bitch.

i cant go back to being her lapdog and piece of information. i cant go back to making excuses for her slacking off and bailing out. im done. fucking done.

sometimes i really wonder if i belong in this family
i think so differently to everyone else, and despite the fact my brother doesnt technically live here any more, he is still more included then me
the worst part is the fact im in the next room, while everyone else is having a lovely family conversation, and i get ignored. then they wonder why i never know when we have people coming over, or family events, because they never include me enough to let me know.
idk
i just feel like an outsider in my own home

wow dad. way to make me fucking cry over nothing

so today, i decided, and told my entire family was my day to be exceptionally lazy.
not do a thing but relax and do what i want for once.
so dad come home and calls me selfish and lazy for doing what i said i was going to do
just because everyone else had left dishes sitting everywhere.
then when i explained that i am just having one fucking day to myself, he says "you have every day to yourself"
wow dad, way to proove how little attention you actually pay to my life.
i havent had a day where i didnt have to go somewhere and do something for well over a month.
just because i dont work full time doesnt mean i dont have shit to do. hell uni three FULL days, assignements added in, work both days on the weekend, then running around paying bills and picking up things for other people. then add in the fact i actually have friends who want to do things and i feel like a bitch if i continually turn them down.
where does time fore me fucking fit in there?! time where im not so fucking exhausted i cant do anything. time where im not being bugged by the entire family to do this and do that.
i dont get me time, unlike my father who sits around on the couch all weekend doing nothing, or if he is doing stuff, its because he chooses too, no one is forcing him to do it.

i wish people would bother to understand what they are fucking talking about. my dad has no fucking clue, and no fucking right.

you chant to watch us play, like a big shot talent

i admire these men more then you know.
they inspire me to live, and to live a little better.

its good to see them together and obviously joking again

honor thy mother

dump dump dump
im not your emotional garbage bin
im your daughter.
im not your best friend
im not the one to bitch moan and wine to
im fucking shaking right now cause i cant deal with it
i cant fucking keep listening to you complain abotu dad
i cant sit here while ti claim that everyone hates you, you're fat, you're embarassing
I CANT DEAL WITH ME
i cant even try to deal with you
you wonder why i tune out what you say, when all you say breaks me more.

this week isnt a good one
im stressed out
my mind isnt working with me
its thinking of how high that ledge is
of how sharp those knives are
how quick those pills work
everylast insecurity is on my mind
im convinced my world is crumbling
things have been good too long for me to be okay now
im the kid who never gets things their way
a big thing is going to come ruin this, and i cant stop worrying about it
im scared to loose everything ive got
im scared to let go of the one place i fit in
when i cant talk to the ones who i always do
i dont know where to turn
im scared of them saying something
im scared of my brain running away with me

im affriad of everything
im affraid of more then you could imagine
every second i am thinking worst case senario
walking down the street i wonder if that guy on the other side of the road it goign to attack me, i wonder if the car driving past is going to abduct me
sitting on my couch i wonder if the house is going to catch on fire, if burgulars are going to come and take everything we own
worst of all is when im sitting on the train, or sitting on the couch, or laying in my bed and i wonder what if i let this go? what if i give up? what if you give up on me? what if i died tomorrow? what if people i love died tomorrow? what if we all died together?
what ifs are taking over
its scaring me a lot
its all i can think
i dont know how to deal, and my mother doesnt help

that was awkward
i sat there while you faced off
a silent war was taking place
i was stuck in the middle a ploy in your attack
i wanted to disappear
you tried to make chit chat which proved what i had always suspected
you never listen to me
you refuse to believe that i might know what's best for me
you refuse to think of me as anything but a helpless little kid who needs her daddy to make all the choices and tell her how its done
i legally recognised as old enough to know what i want
i am intelligent to be responsible for myself
why wont you let go
why cant you hear me screaming i love you but don't like you at all