highs and lows of 08

wow, 2008 is just about over. what a year it ahs been. everything has changed. but some much less then others. so here are the highs and lows of my year

high: uni!
starting uni scared the crap out of me. but it turned out to be amazing. great people, classes i actually enjoy. respect from teachers and a fresh start. sometimes things just feel right. this is one of them

low: travel time
till amonth ago i was at the peril of public transport. thats 2 hours to uni 2 hours back home. that kinda of travel time kills you. the only slight reprieve was the occasional person to talk to or text.

high: picnics
whether the drama fools variety or the type with school people. there is nothing better than sitting i the sun (or cover) with a group of people laughing and playing like kids eating cakes and cookies and chips.

low: my dead immune system
beng sick every two weeks sucks ass. it also seems to be the story of my life this year.

high: epic weekend of awesome (aka panic weekend)
good friends. awesome music. only downside was missing bec at the show by a second. the other was ryan ross's creepy stare.

low: mum being sick (again)
my mum managed to get sick on my birhtday this year. i didnt see her at all. i find it so hard to see my mum when shes sick. it breaks me. so knowing she was in a hospital bed sick, when she was meant to be with me and my best friends at wicked was incredibly hard

high(est): finding someone amazing who can always make me smile without trying. i love you.

low: letting go of someone else

overall its been a good year. every year has its ups and downs but this year turned out pretty good.

what was the highlights and lowlights of your year

i dont know if i have the energy for this anymore
every smile hurts
every step drains me
i cant do this.
i cant keep living like ive got it all together and i am who i project.
I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs
But Im afraid that someone else will hear me
i want to scream this isnt me.
i want you all to know
i dont want to be scared of slipping up in this lie i call a life

starting new traditions and letting go of the old is hard.
but i was all prepared to do it.
it seemed like it was going to be more my idea of fun
then everyone pulled out.
then i got forgotten
now im being shoved back into traditions i was finally okay with leaving behind
i dont know how i even feel about it any more.
i think i just want this all to be over
i want to wake up and it to be february
when im home alone, the sun is shining and things are going to be okay

i keep things light and fun
i joke and say cheesy lines
i dont know how to say what i think
ive learnt so long to bite my tounge
i learnt long ago that saying what i want will hurt me
i learnt long ago no one really wanted to listen
no one really gave a dam
it was always about someone else
it was always about them
i was only ever there to be used
people have changed
i have moved on
still im stuck with the stigma this system created
i dont know how to say anything
it takes me ten minutes to say what i want
even then i water it down.
i dont know how to.
i dont know how to fix me anymore

fuck
the little confident kid is more socially awkward than anyone could imagine

im this close to leaving
just getting in my car and driving till i run out of petrol and money
i dont want to be here
im scared to get in my car cause i wont stop
i cant keep doing this
not only is the stability of my parents falling apoart
but everything is always my fucking fault
if you bothered to give a dam about more than whether the ironing is done you'd know that its not always my fault
that you're not even home enough to lay blame
you're not home enough to even really know me
you dont know that ive given up on my dreams and settled for someone elses
you dont know that i get more stressed out every day.
you dont know what makes me happy
what makes me cry
hell you cant even pay enough attention to know who my friends are

and now you act as if nothing is wrong. fuck you dad

the rian always gets me down
i makes me want to curl up and dissapear
i love he world once the rain has stopped
but while it rains i feel so alone and cold
im curled up in my favourite hoodie, wishing someone whas here to cuddle with
i just want to feel no so far away.
i wish i could live where my world is

ive hit a nerve in myself
i cant explain to them why i need thispost count
23000 and counting
i need it to know i am safe
i need it to be okay
i need it to feel like i belong
without it i feel like the kid i was. sitting alone
sitting with kids who didnt care
sitting with kids half my age because they cared
without it i the loser who never really fit in
im the kid who half the time feels awkward and doesnt know her place with her best friends
losing this would be like losing my chance of fitting in
how do i explain this without leaving myself open to get hurt more.
i cant let them hurt me more.

excuse me for a moment

JFHIUSYTFXGUYISYGVJSHMHYDGFS HYXJYHDBMSFYHJNBVSDGKJHNMBVGJHYSDUKJBNMVF
(HEY) Christopher Gutierrez IS GOING TO COME SPEAK HERE
ASGJKSHDGIUAGWHVEJVKJHASDBMG
-squee-

so i wrote this today. it just came to me and i had to write it
what do you think?
----------------------
He hated this.

He hated that it had come to a point where he only saw these people at weddings and funerals.

Both were depressing.

The funerals were the worst though.

Everyone was gathered around saying goodbye to one more of them who’s live had been cut short.

There was little lively conversation, more solemn catch ups stating only facts, and keeping voices hushed.

Today he was going to a funeral.

Their group was small, so when they lost one of them, it was hard.

He silently showered letting the hot water wash over him, lingering there till the water ran cold.

He got dressed in his plain black suit he kept for only these occasions. He couldn’t bring himself to wear it any other time.

He combed his hair, but didn’t style it too much. He didn’t apply his trademark eyeliner.

He grabbed his keys and left.

He didn’t pull into his local starbucks like he usually did.

He got to the church and stopped to just look at the building. He always felt a million emotions looking at buildings like this. Even more so today.

He walked in and bypassed his usual seat for these events. Instead taking the seat the others had directed him to.

He zoned out.

Starring at the wall in front of him.

Staring at the decorations that were typical of a church.

Staring at everything but the casket.

He stood silently by the grave.

He watched as people dropped a rose into the grave where the casket resided.

He heard their words.

He stood there .

He stood there until they had all gone on to the wake.

He stood and finally looked at the casket.

He looked at the wooden box that held the boy he knew so well.

He picked up the single sunflower sitting beside him.

He shed a tear.

He gently laid the flower on the casket.

He shed another tear.

He walked away.

He arrived at the wake to hushed voices.

The same people were there as every funeral and wedding.

The same people who only a month ago were laughing and dancing in celebration of love.

They were grouped up and solemn.

And every one of them turned to face him as he entered.

They saw the pain in his eyes.

They offered him hug.

They offered him food.

They offered him a shoulder to cry on.

He left without any of these.

He went home.

He got changed out of his funeral suit and into his pyjamas.

He curled up into the bed that was two big for one small man.

He cried.

He cried and cried.

He asked why?

Why take the boy away from him?

Why take his husband?

Why take the love of his life?

Why take the only boy who made him smile?

Why take away his sunshine?

He cried.

He cried for the pain of losing his Brendon.

He cried until he passed out.


He woke up cold alone.

Ryan had to face a new day without him.