highs and lows of 08

wow, 2008 is just about over. what a year it ahs been. everything has changed. but some much less then others. so here are the highs and lows of my year

high: uni!
starting uni scared the crap out of me. but it turned out to be amazing. great people, classes i actually enjoy. respect from teachers and a fresh start. sometimes things just feel right. this is one of them

low: travel time
till amonth ago i was at the peril of public transport. thats 2 hours to uni 2 hours back home. that kinda of travel time kills you. the only slight reprieve was the occasional person to talk to or text.

high: picnics
whether the drama fools variety or the type with school people. there is nothing better than sitting i the sun (or cover) with a group of people laughing and playing like kids eating cakes and cookies and chips.

low: my dead immune system
beng sick every two weeks sucks ass. it also seems to be the story of my life this year.

high: epic weekend of awesome (aka panic weekend)
good friends. awesome music. only downside was missing bec at the show by a second. the other was ryan ross's creepy stare.

low: mum being sick (again)
my mum managed to get sick on my birhtday this year. i didnt see her at all. i find it so hard to see my mum when shes sick. it breaks me. so knowing she was in a hospital bed sick, when she was meant to be with me and my best friends at wicked was incredibly hard

high(est): finding someone amazing who can always make me smile without trying. i love you.

low: letting go of someone else

overall its been a good year. every year has its ups and downs but this year turned out pretty good.

what was the highlights and lowlights of your year

i dont know if i have the energy for this anymore
every smile hurts
every step drains me
i cant do this.
i cant keep living like ive got it all together and i am who i project.
I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs
But Im afraid that someone else will hear me
i want to scream this isnt me.
i want you all to know
i dont want to be scared of slipping up in this lie i call a life

starting new traditions and letting go of the old is hard.
but i was all prepared to do it.
it seemed like it was going to be more my idea of fun
then everyone pulled out.
then i got forgotten
now im being shoved back into traditions i was finally okay with leaving behind
i dont know how i even feel about it any more.
i think i just want this all to be over
i want to wake up and it to be february
when im home alone, the sun is shining and things are going to be okay

i keep things light and fun
i joke and say cheesy lines
i dont know how to say what i think
ive learnt so long to bite my tounge
i learnt long ago that saying what i want will hurt me
i learnt long ago no one really wanted to listen
no one really gave a dam
it was always about someone else
it was always about them
i was only ever there to be used
people have changed
i have moved on
still im stuck with the stigma this system created
i dont know how to say anything
it takes me ten minutes to say what i want
even then i water it down.
i dont know how to.
i dont know how to fix me anymore

fuck
the little confident kid is more socially awkward than anyone could imagine

im this close to leaving
just getting in my car and driving till i run out of petrol and money
i dont want to be here
im scared to get in my car cause i wont stop
i cant keep doing this
not only is the stability of my parents falling apoart
but everything is always my fucking fault
if you bothered to give a dam about more than whether the ironing is done you'd know that its not always my fault
that you're not even home enough to lay blame
you're not home enough to even really know me
you dont know that ive given up on my dreams and settled for someone elses
you dont know that i get more stressed out every day.
you dont know what makes me happy
what makes me cry
hell you cant even pay enough attention to know who my friends are

and now you act as if nothing is wrong. fuck you dad

the rian always gets me down
i makes me want to curl up and dissapear
i love he world once the rain has stopped
but while it rains i feel so alone and cold
im curled up in my favourite hoodie, wishing someone whas here to cuddle with
i just want to feel no so far away.
i wish i could live where my world is

ive hit a nerve in myself
i cant explain to them why i need thispost count
23000 and counting
i need it to know i am safe
i need it to be okay
i need it to feel like i belong
without it i feel like the kid i was. sitting alone
sitting with kids who didnt care
sitting with kids half my age because they cared
without it i the loser who never really fit in
im the kid who half the time feels awkward and doesnt know her place with her best friends
losing this would be like losing my chance of fitting in
how do i explain this without leaving myself open to get hurt more.
i cant let them hurt me more.

excuse me for a moment

JFHIUSYTFXGUYISYGVJSHMHYDGFS HYXJYHDBMSFYHJNBVSDGKJHNMBVGJHYSDUKJBNMVF
(HEY) Christopher Gutierrez IS GOING TO COME SPEAK HERE
ASGJKSHDGIUAGWHVEJVKJHASDBMG
-squee-

so i wrote this today. it just came to me and i had to write it
what do you think?
----------------------
He hated this.

He hated that it had come to a point where he only saw these people at weddings and funerals.

Both were depressing.

The funerals were the worst though.

Everyone was gathered around saying goodbye to one more of them who’s live had been cut short.

There was little lively conversation, more solemn catch ups stating only facts, and keeping voices hushed.

Today he was going to a funeral.

Their group was small, so when they lost one of them, it was hard.

He silently showered letting the hot water wash over him, lingering there till the water ran cold.

He got dressed in his plain black suit he kept for only these occasions. He couldn’t bring himself to wear it any other time.

He combed his hair, but didn’t style it too much. He didn’t apply his trademark eyeliner.

He grabbed his keys and left.

He didn’t pull into his local starbucks like he usually did.

He got to the church and stopped to just look at the building. He always felt a million emotions looking at buildings like this. Even more so today.

He walked in and bypassed his usual seat for these events. Instead taking the seat the others had directed him to.

He zoned out.

Starring at the wall in front of him.

Staring at the decorations that were typical of a church.

Staring at everything but the casket.

He stood silently by the grave.

He watched as people dropped a rose into the grave where the casket resided.

He heard their words.

He stood there .

He stood there until they had all gone on to the wake.

He stood and finally looked at the casket.

He looked at the wooden box that held the boy he knew so well.

He picked up the single sunflower sitting beside him.

He shed a tear.

He gently laid the flower on the casket.

He shed another tear.

He walked away.

He arrived at the wake to hushed voices.

The same people were there as every funeral and wedding.

The same people who only a month ago were laughing and dancing in celebration of love.

They were grouped up and solemn.

And every one of them turned to face him as he entered.

They saw the pain in his eyes.

They offered him hug.

They offered him food.

They offered him a shoulder to cry on.

He left without any of these.

He went home.

He got changed out of his funeral suit and into his pyjamas.

He curled up into the bed that was two big for one small man.

He cried.

He cried and cried.

He asked why?

Why take the boy away from him?

Why take his husband?

Why take the love of his life?

Why take the only boy who made him smile?

Why take away his sunshine?

He cried.

He cried for the pain of losing his Brendon.

He cried until he passed out.


He woke up cold alone.

Ryan had to face a new day without him.

why me?

what did i do to deserve being treated like this?
over and over again
best friends means you get what you deserve
best friends till we're old and wrinkly
you prematurely aged us
it hurts more then you will understand because you've never been screwed over like this cause you're always the one to do the screwing.
you've re opened the cracks in my head and heart that were starting to heal

every day
fake smiles
"have a nice day"
more fake smiles
"no thats fine"
more fake smiles
"sorry, not your fault at all"
more fake smiles
"sure i'll work extra and agree to get paid the cheapest rate"
more fake smiles
"do you want a bag?"
more fake smiles
"any cash out?"
more fake smiles

this place is draining my soul.
every fake smile kills a little more
i barely know how to smile for real now.
im sick of taking all the blame
im adapted to being treated like shit
rudeness and abuse is how i am always treated
im not allowed to think for myself.
retail is killing me
but i cant get out
i have no hope of escape for another four years

im worried about my parents
my mum has told me shes considering leaving my dad
mydad doesnt realise because hes so self absorbed he hasnt noticed hes treating us all like shit
he hasnt noticed that ive grown up and have a life
he hasnt noticed that mum is getting more and more upset with him
my mother actually asked me if my dad was having an affair
im stuck right in the middle.
i thought my parents were one of those couples who actually made it.
im so scared right now.
i dont think i could deal with living wiht one of them
i dont think they could deal with living on their own
i wish i could go away and escape them for just a little while
i wish my brother was home so i wasnt alone in this

i thought things were going well.
there was one mark i was worried about, but i was going to make it up with the next one.
i felt good about it. i let the guides help me, but last semester i was told the better ones didnt necessarily stick to the guide questions. now thats wrong?! the exact same assesment, and a completely different direction come marking time.
fuck. i dont fail things. now im shit scared. i dont know if im going to pass this subject, and definately not with any dignity.
the worst part is the dissapointment im going to bring my mum
i tried mum.
i really fucking tried
it all just became too much this semester.
i couldnt deal
i collapsed around myself

looking for a dream in the flowers in the breeze
looking for tomorrow in an hours silent fears
looking for a shadow in the nights darkened room
looking for the words to tell you what this really means.

breathing for a second
breathing in the chest
breathing in t he smoky air
breathing in that scent

running form a shadow
running for the past
running towards and empty grave
running for your hope

dancing in the sunlight
dancing on the moon
dancing like a simple fools
dancing like we're dead.


i have no idea what this is. it just came out like this

i did it
i finally conquered this stupid test
i did it on my own
i am now indipendant
do you think you can stop treating me like im fucking 10 now!?
seriously. i dont need you looking over my shoulder pointing out speed bumps ahead
i can see for myself
i can do things on my own
i dont need you reaching over and grabbing the steering wheel of my car
i cant function if your hands are in the way
i cant be left out of my own life cause you don think im ready for it

no mum im not okay
im not "grumpy"
im fucking unhappy and dont need you making things worse by having a go
im sitting here giving up on my dreams to fulfill yours
you;ve made your dream force its way into my life
i can barely see what i want any more
you wouldnt know this though
i cant really talk to you, even if you think i can
if i try to tell you anything
you belittle it
you claim its a "phase" or tell me to "get over it"
mum you have no idea
this hurts more then anything else
then telling me i shouldnt be down ever.
saying depression like its a dirty word
thanks mum, really supportive you are

i hate myself for this
i feel like a fool for even considering spending that much on a band.
but i cant help it
i NEED this
ive been building towards it so long.
but i dont know. i dont know if i can face the prospect of not standing on that barrier hearing you sing
i dont know if i can face the idea of knowing i could have seen you up close and known this was real

this was my thing
you wouldnt even know about it if it wasnt for me
im the drama geek who was going to go with her friends
not cause it was random
not to do the fucked up bastardised version you did
this was the type of thing me and my friends do.
this was not your place
least not without me
then broadcasting it everywhere i am
wow i thought you had more heart then that
once again its prooved that no one gives a fucking shit about me
no one stops to think about me
no one even cares that i exist
fuck you for prooving my fears

issue number 2

okay so my uni has the queer club, and the queer collective. the queer collective in geelong is run by two friends of mine. now i just got a facebook invite to join their new cross campus queer group. the thing is. i know who i am. and i am okay with that. but i dont parade my sexuality around. there are a lot of people in my life and who were in my life who have no idea of that side to me, purely because its irrelavent to my relationship with them. i feel like a asshole denying the request. but i am no where near comfortable accecpting it either. fuck i hate this.

best friends means you pull tha trigger

okay so toady was ment to be a brilliant day yeh. everything was going right for once

then standing at work, im met by the "biffle"'s dad. now her dad is an awesome guy. but he said "so are you two going to fall out boy?" "i might get paige to ring you, im sure she'll want to go"

i dont want her to go. i dont want her in my life anymore. it fucking hurts but it will only hurt worse if i dont cut her out. i dont want her rining me begging to buy her ticket. i dont need her hanging around with me and my friends because she doesnt leave her got dam house long enouhg to make any friends. oh and add in that i feel like i cant be myself around her anymore because shes a judgemental elitist bitch.

i cant go back to being her lapdog and piece of information. i cant go back to making excuses for her slacking off and bailing out. im done. fucking done.

sometimes i really wonder if i belong in this family
i think so differently to everyone else, and despite the fact my brother doesnt technically live here any more, he is still more included then me
the worst part is the fact im in the next room, while everyone else is having a lovely family conversation, and i get ignored. then they wonder why i never know when we have people coming over, or family events, because they never include me enough to let me know.
idk
i just feel like an outsider in my own home

wow dad. way to make me fucking cry over nothing

so today, i decided, and told my entire family was my day to be exceptionally lazy.
not do a thing but relax and do what i want for once.
so dad come home and calls me selfish and lazy for doing what i said i was going to do
just because everyone else had left dishes sitting everywhere.
then when i explained that i am just having one fucking day to myself, he says "you have every day to yourself"
wow dad, way to proove how little attention you actually pay to my life.
i havent had a day where i didnt have to go somewhere and do something for well over a month.
just because i dont work full time doesnt mean i dont have shit to do. hell uni three FULL days, assignements added in, work both days on the weekend, then running around paying bills and picking up things for other people. then add in the fact i actually have friends who want to do things and i feel like a bitch if i continually turn them down.
where does time fore me fucking fit in there?! time where im not so fucking exhausted i cant do anything. time where im not being bugged by the entire family to do this and do that.
i dont get me time, unlike my father who sits around on the couch all weekend doing nothing, or if he is doing stuff, its because he chooses too, no one is forcing him to do it.

i wish people would bother to understand what they are fucking talking about. my dad has no fucking clue, and no fucking right.

you chant to watch us play, like a big shot talent

i admire these men more then you know.
they inspire me to live, and to live a little better.

its good to see them together and obviously joking again

honor thy mother

dump dump dump
im not your emotional garbage bin
im your daughter.
im not your best friend
im not the one to bitch moan and wine to
im fucking shaking right now cause i cant deal with it
i cant fucking keep listening to you complain abotu dad
i cant sit here while ti claim that everyone hates you, you're fat, you're embarassing
I CANT DEAL WITH ME
i cant even try to deal with you
you wonder why i tune out what you say, when all you say breaks me more.

this week isnt a good one
im stressed out
my mind isnt working with me
its thinking of how high that ledge is
of how sharp those knives are
how quick those pills work
everylast insecurity is on my mind
im convinced my world is crumbling
things have been good too long for me to be okay now
im the kid who never gets things their way
a big thing is going to come ruin this, and i cant stop worrying about it
im scared to loose everything ive got
im scared to let go of the one place i fit in
when i cant talk to the ones who i always do
i dont know where to turn
im scared of them saying something
im scared of my brain running away with me

im affriad of everything
im affraid of more then you could imagine
every second i am thinking worst case senario
walking down the street i wonder if that guy on the other side of the road it goign to attack me, i wonder if the car driving past is going to abduct me
sitting on my couch i wonder if the house is going to catch on fire, if burgulars are going to come and take everything we own
worst of all is when im sitting on the train, or sitting on the couch, or laying in my bed and i wonder what if i let this go? what if i give up? what if you give up on me? what if i died tomorrow? what if people i love died tomorrow? what if we all died together?
what ifs are taking over
its scaring me a lot
its all i can think
i dont know how to deal, and my mother doesnt help

that was awkward
i sat there while you faced off
a silent war was taking place
i was stuck in the middle a ploy in your attack
i wanted to disappear
you tried to make chit chat which proved what i had always suspected
you never listen to me
you refuse to believe that i might know what's best for me
you refuse to think of me as anything but a helpless little kid who needs her daddy to make all the choices and tell her how its done
i legally recognised as old enough to know what i want
i am intelligent to be responsible for myself
why wont you let go
why cant you hear me screaming i love you but don't like you at all

when was the last time you considered jumping off a bridge?
or falling face first into a rive and staying there
or "borrowing" the parents medication and taking it all at once?
or getting one of the sharp kitchen knives
or walking out onto a freeway
or swerving the car into a tree

my dreams have me running scared
you are my hopeless nightmare
i dont believe in you
yet your every where i look

write me a melody
i have your song
this place is going down
and your on your own

hide behind a shield of lies
pain the flowers red and white
trace the scares of yesterday
draw the fears of sour sweets

every second i think its you
you always were one for surprises
today i looked through the glass
and saw it wasnt true

im writing you this silly song
to let you know im onto you
who need a hook when youve reeled me in
a poets lie just to begin

break my heart and hope to die
forever the flames of childrens eyes
a singers words straight to the heart
a tutu made from disaster

how do you exaplin whats lame
how do you trust the pain
tomorrow is another day
a world away we say goodbye

someplace somewhere we hold hands
a moment forgotten is the haze
the plan said we would be safe
drink to a life beyond fate

oh dear
i've got it bad
just an extended distance is killing me
the lack of contact is breaking me faster then i thought possible
i miss her
i miss her voice
her words
her arms
her lips
i never wanted to be this hooked on her
i never ment to end up like this, worrying, and pining
but i love you
i love you so fucking much
now i know why they say love hurts

just for the record the weather today is dark and overcast

todays satistic: one australian teen commits suicide every 4 days
my first thought: in four days it could be me
crashing down is harder when you'v ebeen flying so high
i'll play the role i write myself but i always killed the main characters off

im scared
ive never been in this deep
ive never been so lost in emotion
i love her.
her.
fuck. my parents have no idea i like hers let alone have a her
i dont know if i can tell them
but she means the world to me
i dont want my heart to be broken.
and i dont think it will be
i hope
im smilingmy heart is whole right now
its in her hands

i hate myself this very second
i dont know where im going
i knwo what i want
but i dont have the balls to go get it

i also and a stupid fuck who cant even be honest to herself
i dont want to mess with that shit
im happier on the edge
fuck you and your weed
why did i need a fucking wake up call to remind me?!
if i cant be honest with myself i dont deserve anyones respect
least of all my own

i cant do this anymore
i cant be the universes plything
i cant hold onto hope for a fate i dont deserve
i am worthless to the world
i cannot think of a single reason as to why i exist
not one reason
ive been wracking my brain all day
i. am. a. complete. waste. of. space.

was i disappointed you werent there?
or was i disapointed in myself for wishing you were there?

do i want to see you next week?
can i arrange that without chickening out?
can i survive that?!



the scariest part of my life is knwoign that most likely i will be faced with the c word at some stage, and not knowing if i have the strength to fight it

i write my suicide note in my head
individual letters to those who truely matter
i didnt think i could get back to this place so quickly

im the queen of liars
"yeh i made a few friends"
i dont fit in
im fromt he other side of the tracks.
i belong 3 hours away in a place i feel at home
not in a place i feel like im constantly in the wrong
im the quiet kid who needs people she makes sense to.
i havent had a full honest conversation int he last 2 weeks with anyone in person
i was taken aback that she knew my name because i am invisible

how can you stand me?
honestly how?
i dont like me
stirke that i hate me
i wouldnt be firends with me if i met me in the street
i wouldnt want to deal with someone so selfish and shallow and horrible as me
how can i be so frekaing horrible
behind all the words that spring from my keyboard
behind all the empty "ily"s and "<3"s
im just thinking about myself
why cant i get the fuck over myself
why cant i let my self fel okay in knowledge you care
why cant i help but hate you think im so nice when i know different

why am i still doing this to myself
i should know better then eating this shit
iw as doign so well
i need to stop
i need to limit myself to two meals
then one


fuck this life
fuck today
fuck tomorrow
i just want to be free

im paranoid and petrified
i dont know how to live
i cant deal unless something isnt going right
i need the pain to know im alive
its anywonder i haevnt hurt mysewlf yet
i know that i need the pain
i guess its lucky im accident prone

today i broke a glass by accident
i wanted to keep the jagged remains
but how hte hell do i explain that

if a flower grows then dies alone in a forrest, would its beauty still exist?

i shouldnt be thinking this way
since when can i not stop thinking abotut his
i dont know which will kill me quicker,
trying to find ways to hurt my self in non suss ways around the house
or being sure not to eat too much too soon
or at all

if one more person if i like anyone i will do something violent
its bad enough valentines is coming up and i feel more alone then ever
people make sure of that
ive never had a valentines day where i felt truely loved.
ive never beent he one who someone had a crush on.
im always the best friend
or the best they think they can get
im sick of being the one looked past
the one whos there for when your desperate
the one that will never be good enough as she is

i am worthless
i am nothing but another stupid slut who will do anything for a bit of attention
im too wek to stand up for myself
too stupid to not make mistakes
how could i repeat my mistakes
how can i let myslef be used over and over

im not worth the air i breathe

i am useless

i am a waste of space

the world would be better off without me wasting energy

this is a useless pussy giving up

happy fucking new year

i dont know what scares me more.
the fact so many i care about are falling and i cant be there to make all the pain and hate go away, or to give them a hug and say i understand without it being cheap and fake thanks to the internet
or the fact my eyes keep wondering to the cubord that holds my own possible escape route.
im scared to let the words flow out right now
im affraid of what i think and say
who the hell have i become
wheres the me i used to be? where the girl who knew how to have fun, who didnt feel awkward with her best friends, who wanted laugh and cry andlive?
what happened to life? when did it become a chore? when did i stoip wanting a tomorrow?
when did i move into a fantasy land that was easier and safer then dealing with this place

numbness isnt theright term. its the chill that wont go away. a flower blooms and then it dies. the cirlce of life wasnt ment to be fair, im someones dinner before im dead. curled up in world that doesnt understnad dinoasur blankets make things safer, but make cant stop the lingering of eyes.
songs from the past on repeat. it was introduced because it was a winner. i love it for the words. for the fact the music makes me feel. i never felt when i danced it. now i feel it.

time has no pattern anymore, hours gone without it passing. when did life become about emils, dvds and books? when did i need to work to get out.when did i run out of conversation with those i can talk to for hours