if a flower grows then dies alone in a forrest, would its beauty still exist?

i shouldnt be thinking this way
since when can i not stop thinking abotut his
i dont know which will kill me quicker,
trying to find ways to hurt my self in non suss ways around the house
or being sure not to eat too much too soon
or at all

if one more person if i like anyone i will do something violent
its bad enough valentines is coming up and i feel more alone then ever
people make sure of that
ive never had a valentines day where i felt truely loved.
ive never beent he one who someone had a crush on.
im always the best friend
or the best they think they can get
im sick of being the one looked past
the one whos there for when your desperate
the one that will never be good enough as she is

i am worthless
i am nothing but another stupid slut who will do anything for a bit of attention
im too wek to stand up for myself
too stupid to not make mistakes
how could i repeat my mistakes
how can i let myslef be used over and over

im not worth the air i breathe

i am useless

i am a waste of space

the world would be better off without me wasting energy

this is a useless pussy giving up

happy fucking new year

i dont know what scares me more.
the fact so many i care about are falling and i cant be there to make all the pain and hate go away, or to give them a hug and say i understand without it being cheap and fake thanks to the internet
or the fact my eyes keep wondering to the cubord that holds my own possible escape route.
im scared to let the words flow out right now
im affraid of what i think and say
who the hell have i become
wheres the me i used to be? where the girl who knew how to have fun, who didnt feel awkward with her best friends, who wanted laugh and cry andlive?
what happened to life? when did it become a chore? when did i stoip wanting a tomorrow?
when did i move into a fantasy land that was easier and safer then dealing with this place

numbness isnt theright term. its the chill that wont go away. a flower blooms and then it dies. the cirlce of life wasnt ment to be fair, im someones dinner before im dead. curled up in world that doesnt understnad dinoasur blankets make things safer, but make cant stop the lingering of eyes.
songs from the past on repeat. it was introduced because it was a winner. i love it for the words. for the fact the music makes me feel. i never felt when i danced it. now i feel it.

time has no pattern anymore, hours gone without it passing. when did life become about emils, dvds and books? when did i need to work to get out.when did i run out of conversation with those i can talk to for hours