i wished on 11.11 tonight
not for me.
for my friends
because i can handle breaking down
because i can handle hurt
but i dont want them to have to
i dont want to ever see them that hurt
they deserve so much more then these stupid boys are giving them
they deserve anything but the hurt they get
they deserve the world.
they deserve what i have
screw me
give them the world
tonight i pray for them
"im okay"
"i dont believe you"

i just realised how much i rely on my belief in god subconsciously.

tonight you hurt me more than i thought you could
more than i want to admit to
more than i will ever let you know

wow way to not even listen
way to ignore the 3 or 4 times ive said "im sick so i dont know if i will be up to it"
way to push things that arent your place
way to be so fucking paranoid your forgetting who you are and who he has always been
then bitching and whining because he is him
because he doesnt do what the perfect guy would
because hes not perfect
because none of us are
not even you

everything is good right now.
but ive got this nagging in the back of my mind
if funny when we started this you said "you dont have to be scared, im not going to hurt you"
except i wasnt scared of that (well i was but thats a underlying fear i pretend does not exist)
my biggest worry
visas
august is only a few months away. and it sounds stupid to be thinking about this when we are still new. but god dam if it isnt a scary thought that you might have to leave. that you might not be able to get a visa to come back. i know realistically you probably can come without an issue, but theres that possibility that scares me more then anything. the thought of coming together and becoming an us and then losing you to legalities

so last night i had a great night.
i laughed with friends (new and old)
theb theres him
he was so shy about putting his arm around me. it was cute
then later we were sitting there and it hit me i dont really know how to stictly be the girl in the relationship. i didnt know what to do with myself. so i let him direct me

theres a huge downside though. time is limited from the start. i mean he goes home in 6-12 months D:

i wanted distraction.
its all i wanted.
why the hell did my distraction have to be a nice guy?
oh thats right
because i seem to fuck everything up anyway.

sing a little louder
plant a tiny seed
nurture it with stories
pick out all the weeds

slowly it will grow
with everything it needs
water sun and bugs
then laugh and make it bleed