tonight you hurt me more than i thought you could
more than i want to admit to
more than i will ever let you know

wow way to not even listen
way to ignore the 3 or 4 times ive said "im sick so i dont know if i will be up to it"
way to push things that arent your place
way to be so fucking paranoid your forgetting who you are and who he has always been
then bitching and whining because he is him
because he doesnt do what the perfect guy would
because hes not perfect
because none of us are
not even you

everything is good right now.
but ive got this nagging in the back of my mind
if funny when we started this you said "you dont have to be scared, im not going to hurt you"
except i wasnt scared of that (well i was but thats a underlying fear i pretend does not exist)
my biggest worry
visas
august is only a few months away. and it sounds stupid to be thinking about this when we are still new. but god dam if it isnt a scary thought that you might have to leave. that you might not be able to get a visa to come back. i know realistically you probably can come without an issue, but theres that possibility that scares me more then anything. the thought of coming together and becoming an us and then losing you to legalities

so last night i had a great night.
i laughed with friends (new and old)
theb theres him
he was so shy about putting his arm around me. it was cute
then later we were sitting there and it hit me i dont really know how to stictly be the girl in the relationship. i didnt know what to do with myself. so i let him direct me

theres a huge downside though. time is limited from the start. i mean he goes home in 6-12 months D:

i wanted distraction.
its all i wanted.
why the hell did my distraction have to be a nice guy?
oh thats right
because i seem to fuck everything up anyway.

sing a little louder
plant a tiny seed
nurture it with stories
pick out all the weeds

slowly it will grow
with everything it needs
water sun and bugs
then laugh and make it bleed

to read:

for uni:
wuthering heights - emily bronte
elephant - raymond carver
the mill on the floss - george eliot
madame bovary - gustav flaubert
a dolls house - herik ibsen (well re read)
saturday - ian mcewan

for me:
wicked - gregory maguire (about 1/3 of the way through)
son of a witch - gregory maguire
perks of being a wall flower (when i can find a copy that has all the pages)
the lovely bones
a clockwork orange
the catcher in the rye (i am determined to get through it god dammit!)
the other 4 or 5 books in my room i cant even think of

survivor -
choke -
lullabye -
snuff -
all by palanuik (or however you spell his freaking name)

i hate the way my mind works.
i need you to go to not feel guilty.
i cant go have a good time when i know you're not there too
when i know its just another reason for you to be down
hell id rather give you my ticket then let that happen
then theres the selfish reason
i need you there to know that i can do this
i need to find the line
i need to learn to deal with this.
i feel horrible for thinking this. but its all i can think and feel