i hate the way my mind works.
i need you to go to not feel guilty.
i cant go have a good time when i know you're not there too
when i know its just another reason for you to be down
hell id rather give you my ticket then let that happen
then theres the selfish reason
i need you there to know that i can do this
i need to find the line
i need to learn to deal with this.
i feel horrible for thinking this. but its all i can think and feel

i cant get out of my head
i can stop thinking about what could have been
where i could have been
then my mind jumps to what is wrong with me
to the big indicators that i really need to see someone
then my mind jumps back to what ifs and maybes
then to anger and hurt at family at friends at you
then i get angry at me.
after all its all down to me
its going to be a long night

everything seems to be changing around me
i feel like im the only one staying the same when i want to change and make things better
i feel like i dont even know anyone anymore.

i just realised

for a while it was two of us in relationship two not
now its the exact reverse of who is where
lol

im waiting for normal back
im so lost at the moment
i dont know what to say or how to act
my world is upside down
but i have no right to be this sad when so many people have lost everything
when so many have lost their lives and loved ones

i want to make a change in the world
i want to make it all better
i wish i could do anything
i feel so helpless here with just this keyboard and words.

i can feel it in gut and in my heart
it hurts
but i have to do this
every little bit will help
every moment i will get stronger
i have to

i woke up with new resolve.
its hard but my mind is clear.
my thoughts are finally in order

i wish i could say what i mean
but the tears keep getting in the way