fathers day is coming the tv tells me
fuck fathers day
fuck my father
he tells me he's sick the day after my brithday then i hear nothing
i have no time to drop in because i have no time to scratch myself.
then i find out not only has he got the test results but hes been in hospital and had surgery.
all without a word to me
not bothering to mention it to his daughter
fuck fathers day

i just had to point out to a friend that Friday is a holiday.
it worries a me how caught up in the routine and the stress of day to day life already. i mean we are 21. young and supposed to be having fun. not worrying about how we are going to pay rent or stressing about work and jobs and bureaucratic bullshit. i didn't realise it was Easter this weekend until i looked at the roster at work. i knew it was coming but i didn't realise it was here. time is flying by while we are getting caught up in the semantics of everyday life. before we know it we will be middle aged with a family and more responsibilities than we thought possible. why does it already feel like we have plenty to stress about instead of living it up? is it our desire to be more than this town? are we avoiding being another cliché 20 something gone wild? why are we letting life fly by pretending to live without stopping to smell the roses?

why is everyone hurting so much this year

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
things were finally good again
i was going out be carefree and forgetting about you
now you are coming back?! NOW?!
you fucking leave me for your career cause you cant fucking have one here
then a year later you come back and you think its okay
you think it doesnt hurt like crazy that you expect me to just deal with your mood swings
you except me to just deal with teh fact that a year ago you couldnt be here even with me, but a year later when i have my shit sorted you are happy to come back
way to stick the knife in a twist it

feeling forgotten here
yes ive hibernated for a while
but it doesnt mean you cant talk to me
i havent felt like i can go out.
like anyone really wants me there
and now finding out someone i thought cared completely overlooked me in the most major way.
i cant deal with that
my head and heart are fighting to see which can explode first
being overlooked by my friends makes me wonder if i can make this happen if even the people i thought cared overlook me straight away

last night as i went to bed i thought about writing a post about everything i am thankful for. everything that has made me who i am

a minute ago i got a phone call saying my uncle has had a stroke. i never see this uncle

now all i can think about is how everyone in my family seems to be hurting lately.
it feels like everyone is breaking around me.
its killing me

im goign to smile everyday. its easier for everyone this way. no one knows how much im being ripped apart and its easier. you dont have to pretend to understand. you dont have to pretend to care. i dont have to cry in front of you. crying is an at home activity. i learnt long ago not to cry in public. crying in front of people is never a good thing. it only leads to more hurt in the long run. being broken is nothing new. i miss you. i wish i had the balls to tell you how much i wish you'd just come back and do what you are doing there here. you could save here. you could write here. here with me. i miss you. its not just me. he misses you too. my world feels like its missing a key.

and so the tears fall but its dark and im alone and no one would see.