last night as i went to bed i thought about writing a post about everything i am thankful for. everything that has made me who i am

a minute ago i got a phone call saying my uncle has had a stroke. i never see this uncle

now all i can think about is how everyone in my family seems to be hurting lately.
it feels like everyone is breaking around me.
its killing me

im goign to smile everyday. its easier for everyone this way. no one knows how much im being ripped apart and its easier. you dont have to pretend to understand. you dont have to pretend to care. i dont have to cry in front of you. crying is an at home activity. i learnt long ago not to cry in public. crying in front of people is never a good thing. it only leads to more hurt in the long run. being broken is nothing new. i miss you. i wish i had the balls to tell you how much i wish you'd just come back and do what you are doing there here. you could save here. you could write here. here with me. i miss you. its not just me. he misses you too. my world feels like its missing a key.

and so the tears fall but its dark and im alone and no one would see.

it hurts.
im crying at least once a day.
i miss you so much. your everywhere i look
your in everything i do.
i miss your arms
i miss your lips
i miss how safe and comfortable adn happy i feel with you
i hate that i have to get used to this

i miss you.

i cant do this
every smile is a lie
i cant cope this way
im supposed to be ahving the tiem of my life
im supposed to be going out hanging out with my friends
planning a trip away i now cant even think about without feeling guilty.
i didnt ask for this
i cant cope with this
and being ignored isnt helping

i wont be sleeping well tonight
i miss you before your even gone
"one way"
two words that reminded me how much i hate this world
how much its going to hurt to say goodbye
how much im going to miss your arms your lips your touch

did i really just look up airfares?
am i really thinking about going half way around the worl because the thought of him being so far away is more depressing and heart breaking than i thought possible?
am i starting to agree with my mum?
can i really feel this much after 5 months?

i wished on 11.11 tonight
not for me.
for my friends
because i can handle breaking down
because i can handle hurt
but i dont want them to have to
i dont want to ever see them that hurt
they deserve so much more then these stupid boys are giving them
they deserve anything but the hurt they get
they deserve the world.
they deserve what i have
screw me
give them the world
tonight i pray for them
"im okay"
"i dont believe you"